The Clint Achilles Chronicles

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Van Damme-a-thon 2013: Street Fighter

He’s fast, and you want to know why? He eats vegetables. Jean-Claude Van Damme, a man known for fighting street…

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Movie Boiled Down To Brass Tax: Hey, It’s Better Than the Mario Brothers and Double Dragon Movies

Silver Tax Expansion: This is an adaptation of the super popular arcade game Street Fighter 2 starring Jean-Claude Van Damme as Guile. Guile leads a paramilitary group of allied nations in an attempt to stop mad terrorist M. Bison(played by Raul Julia in his last performance of his life), whom has kidnapped several people and is demanding a large sum of money or else he will kill them all. Joined by a rag tag cast of colorful characters, Van Damme has to hunt down Bison and save the day, not only for the world, but also for his captured buddy Charlie.

Golden Dragon Review: I am a huge Street Fighter fan. I am a huge Van Damme fan. Therefore you should take my next statement very seriously. This movie is f@#!ing horrible. Now there is an argument to be made that this is one of the best bad movies ever made. It’s got a huge budget, and it’s at least memorable bad. I can vividly remember several scenes from this movie, and can offer up quotes as easy as I could ones from Empire Strikes Back or Pulp Fiction. But at the end of the day, this is still a very bad movie. I think the thing that really gets me is that it has little or nothing to do with Street Fighter, other than all the characters more or less resemble their digital counterparts. Aside from Vega(who is a douche bag pretty boy cage fighter in both video game and movie), all of the characters are wrong. Sagat is an old guy, and he never fights Ryu, which is infuriating when the final battle comes up, Sagat takes on Ken and Vega goes at it with Ryu. Did the film makers ever play the game? When I first heard that the movie would center around Guile I was confused , because the game’s main character is Ryu, the world warrior who travels the earth fighting fighters everywhere to better understand the art of combat(or something like that). In this movie he is a somewhat reluctant con man who seemingly had martial arts training prior to the film’s start. This is just one of many infuriating continuity changes from the game. Want some more? OK, here goes. Ken has short hair. Charlie is Blanka. Balrog hates Bison. Hunda works for Chun-Li. Dhalsim is a scientist. I could keep going, it seemingly never ends. Even if I ignore the frustration over these changes you can’t really get over the fact that it’s just a badly written movie. Though it does have a cleverly hidden hand job joke in a movie made and marketed for children. Julia is awesome as crazy Bison, though I hesitate to refer to his character as Bison, because he barely resembles the master of psycho power. Van Damme gives a great speech before heading off to the final battle like he was General Patton. Some of the action is pretty good too, though awkward real life interpretations of super moves take you out of that action(it’s almost as bad as when Wesley Snipes suplexed a dude in Blade 2). The sad thing is that Street Fighter 2 the animated Movie was fantastic and came out around the same time. If only they could have filmed that script instead we would have had an all time classic. Of course that didn’t happen and this is what we’re left with. I will say that the film is fun to sit through, if for no other reason than to witness the ridiculousness and wonder how the movie ever came into existence. Another sad fact is that a year later Mortal Kombat would be released, a much better movie than this one and one that made far more sense. Street Fighter is a tournament fighter video game, but the movie is this strange action adventure flick. It should have been made more like the Quest(or Bloodsport for all the haters out there). Mortal Kombat did that, by merging the tournament movie with the fantasy elements of the video game. It’s too bad Van Damme wasn’t cast as Johnny Cage, the character was based on him originally.

Platinum Van Damme Review: 2 Spin Kicks Out of 5.

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